Texts are the new novels: Part 5

The only thing better than group sex is group texts

I HATE MY LIFE but I loved your party

I got in a lift full of people with my fly open

Did you bone him? He was in a right bad mood

Just woke up. Everything tastes of dying. Spent fortune. Went back to cash machine. Twice

IT WAS A FUCKING DINNER PARTY YOU COCK

Falafel

Twat

Weil Weil Weil

I'm shy and fat and broke and old and I ate too much chocolate

Some hipsters are pretty. Some hipsters are piggy. That is my observation.

Yeah I'm fine! Except oh my god i feel like Shit. What was i doing?

'Contemporary or dead!' shall be the new call to arms!

Newsflash it looks like I've slept in my clothes and my weave is hanging off

Girls on in 15 equals sexwee all one word.

Don't look directly at the band or they may turn to salt

Having a bloody mary in soho to calm my nerves

God it's simply easier to break friends with you

Inbreeder!

Mmm teenage boys

Wanna come to a party on saturday? There'll be inverts there!

I really object to spending money on groceries do you know what i mean by that?

Reach across the pillow and snip off a bit of dread

Every pub, every street, every tube carriage has a man in it you would lay down your life for

ZOMG I'm so glad you didn't regard my onion rings

There are people walking round town completely wasted. It's Monday teatime FFS!

I love how you can't have sex during the week

Cover of Heat. Nadine 'I'm so sick of Cheryl milking it' Brilliant. She only got divorced five minutes ago

*inhales lighter fluid in preparation*

You'll be up to your neck in ass

You're a useless virgin and I hate you

So many lovely homes in south manchester. I'm completely lost.

OMG reverse towards him!

There are all types of alone though, and some are okay, look at me I'm more alone than I've ever been. You have to bear it. Things change really quickly.

Did you read about the she-teacher who fucked her 14 yr old student in disabled toilets at the British Museum?

He has the thickest blackburn accent you've ever been subjected to. He sounds positively jamaican.

It's fertiliser. Fact!

You're amazing. You're the queen of sex. Now ditch him

Camden Market, Tate Britain, Amuse Bouche, Soho Pizzeria, Vibe Bar, Dreambagsjaguarshoes

Mark's going to play the new Hole single at Duckie tonight, tell Matt!

OMG london is completely broken nothing works infrastructure's fucked and it's raining SCREAM!

Sky high in the airwaves on the morning show

Morning! Are you ready for some bleak dystopic theatre? Yay!

Some cock might cheer you up

Did you hear about corey haim?

The paranormal lesbian cat ladies are clearly the best.

Just passed guy counting his pills in the street. Love this city

Oh shut your mouth How can you say i go about things the wrong way?

OMG! *puts on bridal veil*

Only just made train, egregious woman trying to scan me a special offer on water i didn't want *slap*

In joiners. Our song is playing right now

Just walked past ricky gervais looking FAMOUS in beard and sunglasses

It's almost certainly the blue cheese pizza i ate for dinner but my whale dreams have been SO bad tonight

I did speed

I gave an impromptu speech at the do and banged my head on a heat lamp

I love you

Texts are the new novels: Part 4

Haemorrhaged from my mobile phone over the past weeks and presented here for your edification and entertainment ...


You disgust me in innumerate ways

There are plenty of Alans

We could move here and be like the King and Queen of clubland yeah?

The only thing i like more than getting it is giving it

I love it here nobody ever goes to bed

I'm simply doing a series of short sharp trumps and having a jack daniels

Ooh a dog. Ooh an ambulance. Do you know what i mean?

Throwing shopping in the air is my fave

I'm forever moisturising but it's hardly worth it

It's a black panty liner with wings

We're here it's FREEZING COLD and everything's SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT

I've just seen a sign for widnes. Holiday ruined

On way to clinic for booster shot. If they greet me by name I'll cry

Oi Scallop face your skirt's all caught up in your knickers at the back

I can't stop dancing round to tik tok long enough to do any writing

Just passed billy connolly outside the ritz

I'm counting five pences to buy milk from spar

I look like simon weston

Question- do you spend your life rinsing cloths because i do.

Your provincial life depresses me intensely

I TOLD my specialist it was probably large bonally related but he simply couldn't understand me because of the gateaux within my face

Look officer i know she's the worst kind of delinquent going but you know and i know that she's totally ferosh

I've been watching most amazing upsetting dangerous porn

I'm in burnage tesco. May stage a dirty protest in the tinned goods aisle

Can’t believe how warm and dry it is! I'm only an hour and half late for work

I've been thinking about his dick all day. It had quite a profound effect

I've resolved to drink more water. Jesus it's so difficult it's like having two jobs

You're doing super love. It's not your fault you're an orca. It's your glands

Bolly sweetie darling

I'm eating porridge in st Anne square

I'M PUTTING ON MY TENNIS RACKET SHOES AS WE SPEAK

NEWSFLASH: That Delphic album is boring

I've been shouted at by granpa cuntface for confusing my trees

Outside dublin castle Yay!

Train moves on from Euston, do you think you've made the right decision this time . . ?

I'm listening to the Bee Gees

I'm in bed with coffee and joni mitchell and f scott fitzgerald. They don't steal the covers like you

I'm going to sell a kidney so i can come and see you

Do you want a kidney?

You are, like, my favourite vegetable

The choir mistress looks over at her anxiously

What is it with gays and doctor who?

Brilliant. Is he hitting you?

Who are you? Lost all me numbers

Complete fucking hysteria

Wiki entry for russell grant. 'russell grant, born 5 feb in middlesex, is a british astrologer, personality and a gay.'

Call in a bomb threat

I'm doing big heavy shits and itching my hives

I've lost 20 quid note and just missed bus as a result. Karma!

I am too fat to go to berlin

I'm going to bed in ski socks and a fleece

People screaming and panic buying and falling over like sacks of shit!

Guy sat next to me on tram reading. He's reading out loud. To no one. Not slightly under his breath but out LOUD. Really slowly. Like he's learning. It's about elvis presley

Do you like my photos of ducks!? Do you!?

Can you bring a couple of plastic bags when you come round?

Susan boyle, daydream believer! oh my god. My track of the year.

Cum up wall story = hilare

I'm in derby. It's everything I thought it would be

I'm bleaching a litter tray

Stockport

Texts are the new novels: Part 3

Okay I'm completely addicted to these. Even when they don't start off that funny the cumulative effect just has me on the floor eventually. Go on, tuck in ...

Dry it on the curtains

Swear to god I've just seen a guy who's in Triga Scally soccer orgy pushing a fucking pram up oldham street

I had to eat quiche and look at holiday photos off my box

I'm in bed with the yorkshire ripper

I’m doing my paper round

I'm gonna learn all the words to otto titsling

do i look like a spanner?

I'm on marie's side. You're a cunt.

Come for a drink then you won't have to look at his beautiful large ass

Question: If there was a pill to take to forget about him in between would you take it?

Is that a bar? I've never heard of it or you or manchester. *kills self*

Yeah. Thought as much. You're fucked and so am I.

God i can't WAIT to have a hangover

Oh. Em. Gee. Fit. Dad. Capital of britain.

I'm not eating spray cream straight from the can are you?

Just gonna go home and play 'This time i know it's for real'

Have been roaring laughing at memory of duncan from school calling a car a ‘fanny magnet’

Every time i open a window 800 flies pour in

I'd throw a milk bottle full of piss at her

the guy in Safad is the most beautiful sad world weary kebab guy in the whole of Manchester

Please google all gay bars in scarborough and text details asap

I am so drunk that milk has come out of my eyes

I've just been at the gym for 45 minutes watching jam and Jerusalem

Do you think i should just spray cream onto maltesers?

Music emergency! Go and listen to terrorvision doing perseverance. BRILLIANT. I'd love to hear it at Bollox.

If i look at a picture of this man one more time i am going to burn a hole in my screen

The website is designed by blind interns

Please note we are no longer dealing with diarrhoea or gonorrhoea as these are causing repetitive strain in the girls typing the invoices

Am in york with the hangover from hades

Just had angel delight for breakfast

I'm having a mai tai in OUR tiki bar! Wish you were here!

Totally shameful sight of four gays flirting madly with a mixologist

Go to a sauna. Art blows.

Mostly germans and jews and gays, oh my!

Oh my god i look like steve tyler from aerosmith

Woo! Craig no smoke without fire charles!

I have repeat visions of me sitting on the edge of the nasty candlewick bedspread. Alone.

I just read the rest of your foreskin posts

I'm sorry i live in such a monstrous place

My one pint turned out to be the size of a swimming pool

She chopped up her boyfriend in the bath. She's such an inspiration.

*prepares dance of the seven veils*

Kylie's not short, she's just far away

My opening chapter has been vastly improved. I'd not only publish me, I’d fuck me over the desk at random house. Dance break!

Can't you simply procure a standard issue plexiglass disease bubble from outpatients to roll about the streets in like a big hairy hamster?

just watched the scene in league where Ross fucks Pauline

CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!! *dry humps chair*

'She looks like she might burn down a plantation' is my favourite line

One time he escaped out of the bath, ran downstairs and straight into the patio doors. Didn't speak to us for days.

Were your massive big ears burning?

Went to WHSmith, bought a card reading 'Happy birthday to a nana who's loved lots and lots' and Attitude: The sex issue. As predicted i look like a methhead.

Come off it I've got suicide written right through me like the cheap stick of blackpool rock that i am

Texts are the new novels: Part 2

Well, it was time to empty the old Sony again and as ever I have been simply weeping with laughter and bemusement. This time these are ALL incoming messages so I take no credit. Thanks to the authors, you're all brilliant.


Eurovision! Wooo! *Waves flag*


Oh my fucking GOD. If you dont permit name-dropping i will explode...


Just met kim deal.


I don't think you realise how much i hate hazel blears. I'd love to slap her face really hard.


i look pretty much like a paper plate tied to a pillow anyway


Had random ace night but v poorly all day. Can't believe you pulled a trans!


Married, published, swine-flued, emigrated, or dead?


Aren't you with him for totty purposes?


Brilliant. A woman in leeds changed her name to Laura Madonna Vogue On The Cover Of A Magazine.


OMG i'm loving series 2. I laughed like a drain at the first cup of coffee in the face


hooray for prancing! I've pranced on and off all day, in public places


Your flat will smell of boys


Mandinka by sinead o connor? Are you mentally ill?!!


Your creepy. BUT I LOVE YOU


How are you managing not to touch it?


poker face by lady ga ga totally reminds me of new york. That was playing when you were getting chair fucked by that girl.


Really enjoyed the gig, woke up at 5 fully clothed with my contacts still in.


Omg it's nearly time. I haven't done a sausage!


Are you watching top 50 celeb meltdowns?


You're right. The sponges look like biscuits. It's the world's thinnest sponge.


There is a long unyielding log of medium thickness in the downstairs toilet. Was it you?


I liked moral turpitude


Unitedstatesofamericaniqua


Can i come over and do u now?


The only rational policy for me is to find a pub where no one knows me and drink whisky till i cant walk!


Too fat to wear an i pod?


I could prob give u tips, i've watched 2 episodes of how clean is ur house today


One of his friends is the biggest fucking tool i've ever met


I had to leave! I couldn't talk! I have your dog tags. Will the taxi driver accept them as currency?


I think you should fuck him. Clocks go forward love.


I played the trolley song to eddie this morning. He loved it but immediately changed the words to 'whack whack whack went the eddie I'm the brother MC in the place to be check it out yeeeeah'. I think he's straight.

Texts are the new novels (Part 1 in an occasional series ...)

I’ve had it with facebook. Eight hundred pictures of me red-faced and drunk, a format change every few months that makes it look ever more like the wretched Twitter, I can’t find any events I’m meant to go to … no no no. I’m back to texting and emailing in a big way.

Being a terrible horder of most things I hate to get rid of messages but I’ve discovered fantastic software that allows you to download all your texts and save them as Excel or Word files. Reading them back in this disjointed and decontextualised form is confusing and frequently hilarious. I can no longer attach a story to most of them and it makes them all the more intriguing. ‘What kind of odd life is that?’, I wonder. ‘What strange people’. Below are some of the ones I like the most. One day far in the future cultural anthropologists will look back at such documents and say, ‘Umm … what?’ Apologies if you recognise your life in here somewhere …


Eating cheese in bed. Yes or no?

Been invited to birmingham by beautiful french cellist.

How can we make katy perry die? I don't know what she's for. Did you get called a dirty stopout? You are one.

Cruising the guys in the pound shop.

Tell him to turn up drunk.

Club flyer for student venue: 'Please respect the club and yourself by drinking responsibly. All drinks one pound.'

England would be rubbish without gay men doing all this.

Seeing or typing the words ‘ped egg’ is making me boke.

Get a job!

I feel underdressed in Preston station.

Dressing gown, crisps, sex and the city, no boyfriend. I'm perfectly happy.

Rob him!

Don't remember getting in. think i snogged some bloke in front of his boyfriend. Oops.

Watching old corrie fights on youtube. Suggest you do the same.

I can't deal. I want my hair like that NOW.

I spent my last red cent on a v v brown ticket.

I left the cheese out overnight and now it's orange polystyrene. Fail.

I'm a leopard and a social piranha.

About to eat a jaffa cake with dairylea on it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Do you sometimes forget some people are straight? I do.

I'm cringeing and watching with my back to the screen.

I'm crying and dancing at the same time.

I'm in temple doing the jukebox. Can't BELIEVE you're not here.

I'm playing it right now, complete tune, grace jones meets black box.

I've bought thirty pints of milk and taken the rest of the week off work.

Ick re your hideous daughter. ABORT!

Teen sex quiz in MEN. Filled in accordingly. Question 2: Can you have a laugh together without anything sexual being involved? Answer: No.

'I took a lethal overdose of drink and drugs' 'oh no what have you had?' 'five blisters of paracetomol and a cup of tea'

that adidas advert with beckham estelle ting tings missy elliot has given me cancer

You would do a poo-wee all one word at my shamaze outfit

Put the rest in the bin and spray fairy liquid on it. Nobody wants to fuck fatty.

I hate being let down. It really bothers me. Its because i'm notes on a scandal and construct entire weekend around returning a library book.

So Much sex and aggro in town today i love it. Just been butchered by budget hairdresser. Not a word when we meet. Can't wait to get it under the tap.

The next train at platform 2 is the 18.49 north western service to blackpool north calling at Shitsford, crapton and misery-on-sea.

I've put that i'm a bisexual chinese lady with black twins who speaks farsi and writes kinyarwanda. That'll show em.

The support band are making my pants vibrate.