Monday, 8 June 2009

Texts are the new novels: Part 2

Well, it was time to empty the old Sony again and as ever I have been simply weeping with laughter and bemusement. This time these are ALL incoming messages so I take no credit. Thanks to the authors, you're all brilliant.

Eurovision! Wooo! *Waves flag*

Oh my fucking GOD. If you dont permit name-dropping i will explode...

Just met kim deal.

I don't think you realise how much i hate hazel blears. I'd love to slap her face really hard.

i look pretty much like a paper plate tied to a pillow anyway

Had random ace night but v poorly all day. Can't believe you pulled a trans!

Married, published, swine-flued, emigrated, or dead?

Aren't you with him for totty purposes?

Brilliant. A woman in leeds changed her name to Laura Madonna Vogue On The Cover Of A Magazine.

OMG i'm loving series 2. I laughed like a drain at the first cup of coffee in the face

hooray for prancing! I've pranced on and off all day, in public places

Your flat will smell of boys

Mandinka by sinead o connor? Are you mentally ill?!!

Your creepy. BUT I LOVE YOU

How are you managing not to touch it?

poker face by lady ga ga totally reminds me of new york. That was playing when you were getting chair fucked by that girl.

Really enjoyed the gig, woke up at 5 fully clothed with my contacts still in.

Omg it's nearly time. I haven't done a sausage!

Are you watching top 50 celeb meltdowns?

You're right. The sponges look like biscuits. It's the world's thinnest sponge.

There is a long unyielding log of medium thickness in the downstairs toilet. Was it you?

I liked moral turpitude


Can i come over and do u now?

The only rational policy for me is to find a pub where no one knows me and drink whisky till i cant walk!

Too fat to wear an i pod?

I could prob give u tips, i've watched 2 episodes of how clean is ur house today

One of his friends is the biggest fucking tool i've ever met

I had to leave! I couldn't talk! I have your dog tags. Will the taxi driver accept them as currency?

I think you should fuck him. Clocks go forward love.

I played the trolley song to eddie this morning. He loved it but immediately changed the words to 'whack whack whack went the eddie I'm the brother MC in the place to be check it out yeeeeah'. I think he's straight.


Anonymous said...

I like this very much. You can do the same with half finished messages in your draft folder assemled Burroughs-style into a cut-up collage. Here's an extract:

'I'm in U2. Hey Mike I'm in Wigan now, it was only one stop down the road. Shall I meet you at Tesco. Im on my way to yours now. Gz. I. Hey ah Hey Helen, we can still play the set but; might not be able to a br shift after all. It's just Rick, my bandmate, will want to see the acts and I feel a bit bad about the News of the World.'

Unknown said...

Brilliant, you've invented a new genre called 'kitchen sink surrealism'.