Friday, 19 February 2010

Texts are the new novels: Part 4

Haemorrhaged from my mobile phone over the past weeks and presented here for your edification and entertainment ...

You disgust me in innumerate ways

There are plenty of Alans

We could move here and be like the King and Queen of clubland yeah?

The only thing i like more than getting it is giving it

I love it here nobody ever goes to bed

I'm simply doing a series of short sharp trumps and having a jack daniels

Ooh a dog. Ooh an ambulance. Do you know what i mean?

Throwing shopping in the air is my fave

I'm forever moisturising but it's hardly worth it

It's a black panty liner with wings

We're here it's FREEZING COLD and everything's SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT

I've just seen a sign for widnes. Holiday ruined

On way to clinic for booster shot. If they greet me by name I'll cry

Oi Scallop face your skirt's all caught up in your knickers at the back

I can't stop dancing round to tik tok long enough to do any writing

Just passed billy connolly outside the ritz

I'm counting five pences to buy milk from spar

I look like simon weston

Question- do you spend your life rinsing cloths because i do.

Your provincial life depresses me intensely

I TOLD my specialist it was probably large bonally related but he simply couldn't understand me because of the gateaux within my face

Look officer i know she's the worst kind of delinquent going but you know and i know that she's totally ferosh

I've been watching most amazing upsetting dangerous porn

I'm in burnage tesco. May stage a dirty protest in the tinned goods aisle

Can’t believe how warm and dry it is! I'm only an hour and half late for work

I've been thinking about his dick all day. It had quite a profound effect

I've resolved to drink more water. Jesus it's so difficult it's like having two jobs

You're doing super love. It's not your fault you're an orca. It's your glands

Bolly sweetie darling

I'm eating porridge in st Anne square


NEWSFLASH: That Delphic album is boring

I've been shouted at by granpa cuntface for confusing my trees

Outside dublin castle Yay!

Train moves on from Euston, do you think you've made the right decision this time . . ?

I'm listening to the Bee Gees

I'm in bed with coffee and joni mitchell and f scott fitzgerald. They don't steal the covers like you

I'm going to sell a kidney so i can come and see you

Do you want a kidney?

You are, like, my favourite vegetable

The choir mistress looks over at her anxiously

What is it with gays and doctor who?

Brilliant. Is he hitting you?

Who are you? Lost all me numbers

Complete fucking hysteria

Wiki entry for russell grant. 'russell grant, born 5 feb in middlesex, is a british astrologer, personality and a gay.'

Call in a bomb threat

I'm doing big heavy shits and itching my hives

I've lost 20 quid note and just missed bus as a result. Karma!

I am too fat to go to berlin

I'm going to bed in ski socks and a fleece

People screaming and panic buying and falling over like sacks of shit!

Guy sat next to me on tram reading. He's reading out loud. To no one. Not slightly under his breath but out LOUD. Really slowly. Like he's learning. It's about elvis presley

Do you like my photos of ducks!? Do you!?

Can you bring a couple of plastic bags when you come round?

Susan boyle, daydream believer! oh my god. My track of the year.

Cum up wall story = hilare

I'm in derby. It's everything I thought it would be

I'm bleaching a litter tray


Wednesday, 17 February 2010


It's over a year since this miraculous thing kicked off and since then I have amassed several HUNDRED playlists. Blimey. If you're reading Spotify, please make it possible to organise, alphabetise and sift through playlists with greater ease. Thanks.

Anyway, it's time for a clear out, or at least a bloody good rummage. In the best tradition of the spring clean I am giving stuff away to you lucky people. Here's what the Spotify archives have revealed unto me. Enjoy ... !

Best Shop Boys
Yes, my favourite Pet Shop Boys tracks

R n B Lady
Classic sister cuts

My Best of Morrissey
Lengthy, flawless

Mogwai gig
Setlist from the Brooklyn gig I went to *sob*

The Beautiful Strangeness Of It All
To prompt wilful cognitive dissonance

Food processors are great!
Random Blur greatness

Going out!

Indie Funzies

My So Called Life
Songs from the greatest TV show ever made

Best Of Mutant Disco
You 'eard

Succinct playlist for those who piss you right OFF

Punka and post punka
New Wave gorgeousness


A World That's So Sensational
The very best of His Majesty, Ed Harcourt

Hotel Sex
Ermm ...

Let's do the show right here!

Divas work hard

Flannel shirts and smack
Grunge highlights

Her Madgesty's finest moments to my ears

Soft Rock Power
Patchouli and beaver

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Suede are back ...

What to believe in, it’s impossible to say …’

But no, it’s really happening, Suede are reforming for a one-off charity gig at the Royal Albert Hall in March and thanks to two wonderful wonderful people, I have a ticket. It will be Suede 2.0 of course, Bernard will never be coaxed back for guitar duties now, nor for The Tears I suspect, should anyone ever ask.

I will have to consult the dusty archives but I reckon this will be lucky Suede gig number thirteen for me. I have blogged about my love affair with these boys before so you can imagine just how excited I am. Maybe you can’t. It’s eighteen years since I first saw them play. How have I gotten so old? If you start going to gigs aged thirteen it certainly helps age you, in more ways than one.

I saw Brett play solo last night at Manchester Student Union (a smaller venue than I ever saw Suede in) and in typical Suede-esque tradition the songs are a far better prospect live than on record. Brett’s voice is as clear, camp and cutting as ever, perhaps more so, the Albert Hall is going to be superb, I can feel it in my joints.

So here’s my dream set list for the evening …

Be My God
Painted People
Asda Town
Poor Little Rich Girl
He’s Gone
Implement Yeah!
Where The Pigs Don’t Fly
Brass In Pocket

Eno’s Introducing The Band

‘LOLZ’ etc. I’m kidding of course. Here’s the real thing …

The Drowners
Beautiful Ones
So Young
The Wild Ones
Killing Of A Flashboy
Animal Nitrate
Still Life

My Insatiable One
We Are The Pigs
The Next Life

See you in London …

‘We’ll stick like sick on the stars …’

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

The Slow Road

That's the name of my novel. My first one anyway. I'm still trying to find a home for its brittle, bleak, funny, fucked up little self. Here's a teeny tiny extract that I illustrated as a piece for an obscure London lit zine ...