Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Texts are the new novels: Part 3

Okay I'm completely addicted to these. Even when they don't start off that funny the cumulative effect just has me on the floor eventually. Go on, tuck in ...

Dry it on the curtains

Swear to god I've just seen a guy who's in Triga Scally soccer orgy pushing a fucking pram up oldham street

I had to eat quiche and look at holiday photos off my box

I'm in bed with the yorkshire ripper

I’m doing my paper round

I'm gonna learn all the words to otto titsling

do i look like a spanner?

I'm on marie's side. You're a cunt.

Come for a drink then you won't have to look at his beautiful large ass

Question: If there was a pill to take to forget about him in between would you take it?

Is that a bar? I've never heard of it or you or manchester. *kills self*

Yeah. Thought as much. You're fucked and so am I.

God i can't WAIT to have a hangover

Oh. Em. Gee. Fit. Dad. Capital of britain.

I'm not eating spray cream straight from the can are you?

Just gonna go home and play 'This time i know it's for real'

Have been roaring laughing at memory of duncan from school calling a car a ‘fanny magnet’

Every time i open a window 800 flies pour in

I'd throw a milk bottle full of piss at her

the guy in Safad is the most beautiful sad world weary kebab guy in the whole of Manchester

Please google all gay bars in scarborough and text details asap

I am so drunk that milk has come out of my eyes

I've just been at the gym for 45 minutes watching jam and Jerusalem

Do you think i should just spray cream onto maltesers?

Music emergency! Go and listen to terrorvision doing perseverance. BRILLIANT. I'd love to hear it at Bollox.

If i look at a picture of this man one more time i am going to burn a hole in my screen

The website is designed by blind interns

Please note we are no longer dealing with diarrhoea or gonorrhoea as these are causing repetitive strain in the girls typing the invoices

Am in york with the hangover from hades

Just had angel delight for breakfast

I'm having a mai tai in OUR tiki bar! Wish you were here!

Totally shameful sight of four gays flirting madly with a mixologist

Go to a sauna. Art blows.

Mostly germans and jews and gays, oh my!

Oh my god i look like steve tyler from aerosmith

Woo! Craig no smoke without fire charles!

I have repeat visions of me sitting on the edge of the nasty candlewick bedspread. Alone.

I just read the rest of your foreskin posts

I'm sorry i live in such a monstrous place

My one pint turned out to be the size of a swimming pool

She chopped up her boyfriend in the bath. She's such an inspiration.

*prepares dance of the seven veils*

Kylie's not short, she's just far away

My opening chapter has been vastly improved. I'd not only publish me, I’d fuck me over the desk at random house. Dance break!

Can't you simply procure a standard issue plexiglass disease bubble from outpatients to roll about the streets in like a big hairy hamster?

just watched the scene in league where Ross fucks Pauline

CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!! *dry humps chair*

'She looks like she might burn down a plantation' is my favourite line

One time he escaped out of the bath, ran downstairs and straight into the patio doors. Didn't speak to us for days.

Were your massive big ears burning?

Went to WHSmith, bought a card reading 'Happy birthday to a nana who's loved lots and lots' and Attitude: The sex issue. As predicted i look like a methhead.

Come off it I've got suicide written right through me like the cheap stick of blackpool rock that i am

No comments: