Texts are the new novels: Part 4

Haemorrhaged from my mobile phone over the past weeks and presented here for your edification and entertainment ...


You disgust me in innumerate ways

There are plenty of Alans

We could move here and be like the King and Queen of clubland yeah?

The only thing i like more than getting it is giving it

I love it here nobody ever goes to bed

I'm simply doing a series of short sharp trumps and having a jack daniels

Ooh a dog. Ooh an ambulance. Do you know what i mean?

Throwing shopping in the air is my fave

I'm forever moisturising but it's hardly worth it

It's a black panty liner with wings

We're here it's FREEZING COLD and everything's SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT

I've just seen a sign for widnes. Holiday ruined

On way to clinic for booster shot. If they greet me by name I'll cry

Oi Scallop face your skirt's all caught up in your knickers at the back

I can't stop dancing round to tik tok long enough to do any writing

Just passed billy connolly outside the ritz

I'm counting five pences to buy milk from spar

I look like simon weston

Question- do you spend your life rinsing cloths because i do.

Your provincial life depresses me intensely

I TOLD my specialist it was probably large bonally related but he simply couldn't understand me because of the gateaux within my face

Look officer i know she's the worst kind of delinquent going but you know and i know that she's totally ferosh

I've been watching most amazing upsetting dangerous porn

I'm in burnage tesco. May stage a dirty protest in the tinned goods aisle

Can’t believe how warm and dry it is! I'm only an hour and half late for work

I've been thinking about his dick all day. It had quite a profound effect

I've resolved to drink more water. Jesus it's so difficult it's like having two jobs

You're doing super love. It's not your fault you're an orca. It's your glands

Bolly sweetie darling

I'm eating porridge in st Anne square

I'M PUTTING ON MY TENNIS RACKET SHOES AS WE SPEAK

NEWSFLASH: That Delphic album is boring

I've been shouted at by granpa cuntface for confusing my trees

Outside dublin castle Yay!

Train moves on from Euston, do you think you've made the right decision this time . . ?

I'm listening to the Bee Gees

I'm in bed with coffee and joni mitchell and f scott fitzgerald. They don't steal the covers like you

I'm going to sell a kidney so i can come and see you

Do you want a kidney?

You are, like, my favourite vegetable

The choir mistress looks over at her anxiously

What is it with gays and doctor who?

Brilliant. Is he hitting you?

Who are you? Lost all me numbers

Complete fucking hysteria

Wiki entry for russell grant. 'russell grant, born 5 feb in middlesex, is a british astrologer, personality and a gay.'

Call in a bomb threat

I'm doing big heavy shits and itching my hives

I've lost 20 quid note and just missed bus as a result. Karma!

I am too fat to go to berlin

I'm going to bed in ski socks and a fleece

People screaming and panic buying and falling over like sacks of shit!

Guy sat next to me on tram reading. He's reading out loud. To no one. Not slightly under his breath but out LOUD. Really slowly. Like he's learning. It's about elvis presley

Do you like my photos of ducks!? Do you!?

Can you bring a couple of plastic bags when you come round?

Susan boyle, daydream believer! oh my god. My track of the year.

Cum up wall story = hilare

I'm in derby. It's everything I thought it would be

I'm bleaching a litter tray

Stockport