Funny emails

Portions of emails, sent and received by me, rescued in edited form before being consigned to 'Trash' forever. Writers: thank you all ...

" ... So my SATC party was a blast, I made the perfect Martini and Cosmopolitan and then spilt them all down my white shorts.

In case I die I want these played at my funeral in this order please: This Love, The Luckiest, Nightswimming, then finish with Gold by Spandau Ballet.

Just got a great piece of text advice from Mr Garvey, a master in matters of the heart: 'Kiss his head in!'

I might as well go for it eh? Unless you want him? I'll add him to the drag queen, Jamaican novelist, Welsh rugby player and rough trade.

Had to write Saturday off, no food on Friday, drank till the small hours and was ill all day. Aside from what a dickhead *** was, *** doesn't like the guy *** is seeing, *** stood *** up then *** saw him out drinking (he's drinking himself into oblivion and can't stop, he disappeared without saying and wouldn't answer his phone then was sleepless with guilt all weekend). *** and *** left in such a hurry they left their stuff behind in the bar, nobody knows why. We should all have stayed home ...

I can't believe Mum is on facebook.

I need more than a Compeed, more like a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (because of their demonstrable efficacy in smoking cessation).

I'm a fucking feminist I don't have to sit around waiting for him to call me.

 Will you still come on a fancy opera restaurant night with me? We’ll bring Geordie so he can explain the plot while we eat Minstrels with our Walkmans on.

Tosca was brilliant by the way, except for someone in the Gods who said really loudly "Excuse me!" in the dramatic opening scene.

Helen and I are both in comas. 

As opposed to commas. 

Which would be 'Helen and I'.

He says he can't stop thinking about me. He's got NO written in permanent marker on his hand to stop him texting me.

Did I tell you my DJ name is 'G of the Bang'?

You can't see my face but you can see my semi through my shorts.

It seems I have a knack … whenever I write about somebody, they appear. I wrote about this DJ who basically saved my life (sing it!) and the day after I finished the chapter he was sitting on the next table to me in Tampopo.

We went to Sandbar, hangout of postgrads and bicycle couriers. You should see the thighs on those postgrads.

We've got the spare bed made up....not bothered who ends up in it. Anyway i handed my notice in today! yay!

Do you think seven DJ sets is enough of a CV to start my own night? Do you think my DJ name should be Plums Geldof?

Whoopi does know that Ghost wasn't a documentary doesn't she?

I am designing a book about religious dress in Italy from the 13th to the 16th centuries. Opening line: 'What do we wear after we die...?' OMG NEW GAY ANXIETY!

I bought him a book about the feud between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford and used a picture of Dusty Springfield to wrap it in.

I have a terrible enormous zit with its own postcode right on my lip and he hasn't called me all day so is OBVIOUSLY sleeping with hookers in Kings Cross.

The Manbaby pops those giant chocolate babies like Quaaludes.

Don’t you just wanna turn him inside out and WEAR him?

By the looks of it he was addicted to hair straighteners

Let's have a nice and friendly break up when it comes can we? Please?

Not sure if that makes me Joan Crawford or not. I'm much more Michael Crawford.

According to Urban Dictionary 'bogata' can also mean:

(n.) A muncher of ass or someone who searches through garbage looking for used tampons. Usually derogatory.

'Usually derogatory' made me simply roar laughing.

I ate dinner over my proofs and now there is pasta sauce all over an explication of 19th Century renditions of Henry V. Well, it needed spicing up.

On Saturday my mate found a girl collapsed in the street and put her in the recovery position and called an ambulance. In the intervening two days the story has been embellished thusly: he dragged the girl from a burning Ferrari, restarted her heart with a car battery and her own earrings, performed an emergency tracheotomy with a biro, then delivered her twins by streetlight and now he's going to be on the Golden Heart awards with Joanna Lumley ..."