Friday, 23 November 2012

Soho, Streatham, Southwark


I took a little writing sojourn to London recently, a long weekend in the wilds of Streatham Hill to live with a cat named Trevor. I spent a day in central London first though, visiting various places I’d been meaning to go to for ages. Saint Paul’s Church, Covent Garden – otherwise known as ‘the Actor’s Church’ – is where many a famous thespian is remembered. I got teary-eyed before I even made it inside, as each of the benches in the churchyard carries a commemoration, from Beryl Reid (‘So much love…’) to a long-serving head librarian at the RADA. The church itself was officially closed but I snuck inside by holding open the door for a man carrying a set of bongo drums. Inside is a lovely modest sort of church with plaques everywhere for the great and good of British stage and screen. That’s one reason I wanted to go, another is that legend has it that the first of London’s plague victims is buried here, one Margaret Ponteous, 1665. And yet another is that Henrietta Street, which runs alongside Saint Paul’s, was home to the Hell Club, an early New Romantic hangout, before they were called New Romantics and before they took over the Blitz. Steve Strange tells an amazing story of how everyone was on acid one night in Hell and the club was so hot they all spilled out into the graveyard and danced around there, tripping their noodles off in their outrageous costumes. Isn’t that an amazing image? I liked it so much I've drafted an entire novel plot around the idea. 



Having soaked up these lovely pagan vibes, I emerged into the decidedly more Christmassy environs of Covent Garden looking for coffee, which I found in a state of near perfection at New Row Coffee. The coffee is incredible, go there. They’re lovely folk too. Revived, I then walked to Soho to have a nosey at the Soho Hotel where one of the scenes begins in the novel I’m working on. There’s not much to see, Dean Street turns into a little mews with a red brick and quite Mancunian-looking structure piled up the end, which is the hotel. There’s a large shiny black Buddha cat in the foyer. From there it’s a short walk to Soho Square. I make a little pilgrimage here from time to time, especially when it’s cold, to sit on a bench and play ‘Soho Square’ by Kirsty MacColl, whom I adore and miss terribly... ‘… kiss me quick, in case I die before my birthday…’



Next stop is Southwark and I decide to take a Boris bike. Opposite the bike park at Soho Square, Will Young is waiting for a cab, holding a bunch of flowers. My mother wants me to marry Will Young so I wait at least until eye contact is established, but it’s brief. I guess the flowers are not meant for me. Will gets in his cab with barely a glance and I hop up on my bike. I love Boris bikes. It only costs a pound – and almost my life at Piccadilly Circus – but before I know it I’m sailing past the Thames, over Blackfriars’s Bridge, and into deepest Southwark. (When is somebody going to put something interesting where that old sandwich shop is at the bottom of the Blackfriars’s Bridge by the way…?)


Southwark is my very favourite bit of London, even more so now that I’ve been to the Cross Bones Graveyard, which you can read about here, and also because I discovered yesterday that Stock, Aitken & Waterman’s Hit Factory was round here too, on Vine Yard. I love Borough Market of course, and Tooley Street, and I’m even coming round to the idea of The Shard. Maybe. Yes, Southwark is the place for me.


From London Bridge I catch the train to Streatham Hill, deep in the South London suburbs. Angela Carter country. I arrive in the dark, meet Trevor the enormous handsome cat, do some writing, and go to sleep early. In the morning I leap out of bed and go for a jog in the dazzling autumn sunshine. I plough into the school run for the primary school a few doors down and from there I run to Brockwell Park, run right around it, and home. It’s downhill all the way and uphill all the way back. My legs are still in considerable pain four days later. It is the last jog I am even able to do for the rest of the trip. None of this bodes well for the sponsored 10K I am meant to run in May.

After a day of writing I catch the train back to Southwark. London is steeped in a marvellous silver fog by now. I walk over Tower Bridge, which is every bit as exciting as Brooklyn Bridge tonight. I walk down Park Street which is magical and Dickensian. We are looking for The Rose Theatre, London’s oldest surviving theatre, and the very first to open on Bankside. Tonight they are performing The Winter’s Tale on a small fenced stage above the excavation site of the ancient theatre. The Rose preceded even The Globe just along the river, opening in 1587. Shakespeare performed here as an actor and staged two of his own plays here too. The layout of the theatre, the outside wall and jutting stage, is described in red lights so you can see where the building once sat. It’s thrilling. I can feel old voices and ghosts coming up through the ground. Musicians play over in the far corner of the excavation site, lit by candles. The performance is lovely too; enticing and fun and heart-breaking. Francesca De Sica’s Hermione is wonderful. I am given a flower (at last!) by guitar-playing troublemaker Autolycus, but even he reclaims it at the end of the play. I take it as a good omen though. I fall for The Rose, and they have just this week heard they will be getting a Heritage Lottery Grant to complete the excavation. If/when The Shakespeare Girl is published I want to have my launch party there. Some fine ale follows in The George, off Borough High Street. There has been a pub on this site since at least 1543 and the current building dates to the mid-seventeenth century. Yes, Southwark is the place for me.


I am then firmly holed up for the next couple of days, churning out thousands of new words and feeling the spirit of what I first planned to write all those months ago. Twenty-three thousand words in, The Shakespeare Girl is coming to life. Missing social events and getting used to solitude gets easier the longer you write. Having a terrifyingly close deadline also works wonders. Angela Carter’s last novel, Wise Children, was a large part of the original inspiration behind the story. Streatham Hill is next to Balham, where Carter grew up, and I find out her old school is not far away so I take a walk there. It proves impossible to find mention of the house she grew up in though. I expect the present tenants would like to avoid legions of bespectacled girls in maxi skirts, and me, leaving flowers at the gate. Anyway, she’s in the leafy air down there somewhere and I go home and write a scene about a famous actor who goes out into the Soho night in drag, and I think she would approve.







Angela Carter's old school.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

‘Manchester: In Residents’ … #21: Katie


'It makes me angry that we have so many boarded up buildings and shops that have stayed in that state for years, and yet rather than investing money in a homeless shelter or doing something about the situation, we get yet another up-market, trendy bar that we don’t need...'




What’s your name?

Katie Slade


What do you do?

I am the Rights, Marketing and Events Manager at independent short fiction publisher, Comma Press. I got hired in September 2011, so I’ve been there just over a year now. Before landing this awesome role I worked at the Odeon for around four years, first as a team member, then as a supervisor, and I temped a little in the admin office, to support myself through university. Now, thanks to Ra Page and Jim Hinks, I never have to say, ‘Would you like an Odeon Premiere Club Card?’ ever again.


Where do you live?

City Gate apartment blocks in Castlefield. My street is just after the little bridge, over the canal with the barges and the geese who attack anyone who tries to cross the grass.


Tell us the story of how you ended up in Manchester.

I was born in an area called Sidcup in Kent, but moved to Derbyshire with my mum when I was eleven. Living in the peaks may sound nice but I lived in a small town called Chesterfield where everyone was related and lived next door to the same people for about fifty years. Entertainment and nightlife were pretty much non-existent, so when I reached the end of my A-levels in 2007, I thought, ‘Fuck this’ and decided to go to a university that was far enough away that I could be independent, but not so far so that my mum would feel abandoned. I honestly can’t remember why I picked Manchester – I guess it just made sense at the time. I just wanted to be somewhere where there were actually things to do, and I could go shopping without bumping into half the neighbourhood.
                I’d already made up my mind to stay permanently by the time I graduated, and I’d already applied to do a two-year MA course, so my boyfriend and I finally moved in together and made our own home in Manchester. I think my mum is still holding out hope that I’ll move back to Chesterfield but I’ve been slowly easing her into the reality that there is no way that will ever happen. My old room is still the way it was when I left home five years ago!
                I can’t honestly say I love Manchester but it’ll do for now. Plus my work is here, so I’ll just have to see where the future takes me.


What’s great about this city?

The literary scene is vast and varied, and everyone knows each other within these circles, so it feels like a very friendly, supportive and inclusive community. There are always literary events going on, whether it’s a poetry slam, a short story reading or a book launch, and with so many cultural venues within walking distance, you’re never too far away from something. We also have some of the top literary names living in our midst – Jeanette Winterson, MJ Hyland, Carol Ann Duffy, to name a few. There are also lots of photographers, artists and film-makers either bred or developed in Manchester, so you can usually find someone to do a top quality job on whatever it is you want making.
                Also, from my own personal perspective, there are three major theatres right on our doorstep, which means whenever a show I want to see is on tour, I don’t have to travel miles out of the city to see it. I can go enjoy the West End’s finest without having to walk more than half an hour. And the tickets are probably far cheaper than you would pay in London.
                It’s the same with touring bands. A few years ago, I got to see one of my all time favourite bands who had come all the way from California, for just £12. It was at the Academy so I easily walked there and back and got right up close to the stage. It was incredible.
                Finally – the city has a diverse, multicultural population. When I worked at the Odeon, I met people from all over the world, people who are still my friends now. Meeting people with different native tongues, experiences, cultures and backgrounds, people who can show you interesting things, introduce you to new food (and do the odd translation for me here and there!) is a wonderful thing. Especially when you grew up in such a repetitive, monotonous community where people are suspicious of anything beyond their own county.
                Oh yeah – and the Gay Village. In a lot of places you can just wear your jeans and trainers which is perfect for me.


What’s not so great?

I’m going to sound like a right asshole now, but you asked me to be honest, so three things…

The nearest bowling alley is Didsbury – what’s that all about? Even Chesterfield had a bowling alley...

It seems very corporate. Everywhere you go it’s loyalty cards and brand names and overpriced food. It’s either restaurants or trendy bars, and very few normal, down-to-earth cafes where you can just order something like toast, or pubs where you can just chill without having ciabatta with goats cheese and organic hummus, skinny jeans and TopMan cardigans shoved in your face. Even the Northern Quarter, which I thought was cool when I first moved here as a naïve eighteen-year-old, is starting to get on my nerves. I’m writing this on a train coming back from Brighton, and there you couldn’t move for independent, family-run cafes and shops. Sure, they had all the other stuff like Boots and Costa and H&M, but brands were outnumbered by an emphasis on local produce and local business. For me, Manchester is either about corporations or trendy places which try to pass themselves off as down-to-earth and independent, but are actually stupidly expensive or pretentious.

I can’t get to work or back without being bothered by someone who wants what little change I have in my pocket. I don’t mind Big Issue sellers, I regularly buy the magazine, but the amount of beggars in the city centre alone seems to have tripled in the last few years, the situation seems out of control. I know this sounds horrible, but it’s not as if I’m wealthy, and every week I lose pretty much all the change I have in my purse to get myself bread and milk and essentials, just because I feel too guilty to say no – even though these people tell you the same story every week, somehow afford new trainers and mobile phones for the next time you see them, and hurl a torrent of abuse at you if you tell them you don’t have anything to give. It makes me angry that we have so many boarded up buildings and shops that have stayed in that state for years, and yet rather than investing money in a homeless shelter or doing something about the situation, we get yet another up-market, trendy bar that we don’t need. I don’t know anything about government but I’m sick of dreading the walk to and from work, and I wish I could see evidence of someone doing something about it.





Do you have a favourite Manchester building?

I don’t know if I have a favourite but I’ve always liked the faded grandeur of the Palace Hotel on Oxford Road. There’s something about the clock tower and the green domes on the top that make me think of people going there to dance and court each other in the 1940s and stuff. I imagine years ago it was the height of class and glamour.



Do you have a favourite Mancunian?

Emmeline Pankhurst. And Jeanette Winterson. A bit of both.




What’s your favourite pub/bar/club/restaurant/park/venue?

The Footage. Poptastic. Baa Bar. The Lowry.


What do you think is missing from Manchester?

A bowling alley.


If I was Mayor for a day I would …

Have the Urbis building knocked down. It’s ugly.


Who else would you like to nominate to answer this questionnaire?

I should probably say Jim Hinks as I don’t want him to feel left out – but equally I don’t want it to look like favouritism for Comma, so I will also nominate Mike Garry.



Comma Press are publishing Adam Marek’s The Stone Thrower, Pawel Huelle’s Cold Sea Stories, David Constantine’s Tea at the Midland, Jane Rogers’ Hitting Trees with Sticks, Guy Ware’s You Have 24 Hours to Love Us, Bio-Punk: Stories from the Far Side of Research, and the BBC International Short Story Award 2012 anthology this autumn. Check out our website for more details and launch events! www.commapress.co.uk

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

HomoElectric: The final party at Legends




Back when I lived in Chorlton I rode the 86 bus every day, like you do, and there would always be this same handsome guy on the bus and a look would always pass between us. Nothing ever came of it. One day he started riding the bus with his girlfriend. He always sat with his arm wrapped around her and he still gave me a look but this one was sort of proprietorial, almost smug.

Meanwhile, back in the unreal world, I was a clockwork-regular at HomoElectric. It was actually unthinkable to miss one of their parties. We planned holidays and days off around them. It was the crown jewel of a tiny clutch of unmissable nights that also included Club Suicide and Chips With Everything. From there I was eventually taken to Electric Chair and Mr Scruff, and when Scruff played his fantastic set at HomoElectric it was a perfect full-circle of music and good times.

Anyway, I digress... Another regular at HomoElectric at the time was a young, spindly Black queen; he was camp as anything, exceptionally mouthy and brilliant. You could usually hear him coming a mile off, except for this one night when I was just getting into the zone and I backed into someone on the dancefloor. I turned round to say my apologies and there was the queen, full on face-pashing with the hot guy from the number 86 bus. Bus guy looked at me with a mixture of guilt and discomfort, but I just smiled and waved and kept on dancing. It was no big deal, it was a total HomoElectric moment, and there were loads of them.

It was all electroclash round here in them days. We saw My Robot Friend, WIT, Readers Wifes, plus a so-bad-it-was-actually-kinda-fun PA from Siobhan of Bananarama/Shakespears Sister. She did her version of ‘White Rabbit’ by Jefferson Airplane. Surreal. I might’ve worn a Blondie T shirt the first time I went there. One night I wore a bottle of poppers round my neck on a shoelace. I think I’ve kept most of the amazing atrocities I showed up in. There was a brief sweatband and rubber bracelet fetish. Then home-made graffiti tops. Things went a bit Nu-Rave for a while too. There was lots of asymmetric hair at one point and that amazing blonde lesbian who always danced in a sports bra. Some guy did full face make-up in the toilets for me one time. It lasted about twenty minutes out on the dancefloor.

I cringed at the name ‘HomoElectric’ at first. I was only just out and I hated the word ‘Homo’. Now I only ever call it ‘Homo’. No cringe. I’ve been out ten years and I’ve been dancing at HomoElectric for all of them. For a time, HomoElectric was the best kept wide-open secret in town. One morning – post-Homo at a late night gentlemen’s establishment – I met up with a DJ from Essential who asked where I’d been for the night. I couldn’t believe he’d never heard of HomoElectric. Sometimes you’d be shocked at who did know about the place, even though it was always rammed. (‘Oh my god, you’re here...?’) I met my first boyfriend and my new boyfriend in Legends. I still can’t believe they’re letting it close.

There were so many good HomoElectric stories. One night my then boyfriend leaned on a spotlight in a mesh shirt and had grill-shaped burns on his back for weeks. It once took me five minutes to walk the four steps down to the dancefloor because I thought the shadows were holes in the ground. I think Davey Dobson got me to safety in the end. Thanks Dave. When I moved into a flat just up the road from Legends, I jogged home in the middle of the night more than once to get changed, or take a shower, or replace a shirt that I’d lost. Seemed like a good idea at the time I guess. More than once I got home without any shoes on, one time even in the snow. Somebody piggybacked me. I’ve no idea who. I remember the night everybody must have done their shopping at the same place. Everyone came up like billy-oh, they were queuing up to explosive-puke on a pile of plastic chairs down one of the corridors. We sat on the stairs laughing like goons and then we danced for five hours without a rest. A couple of times on a Sunday you’d spot a familiar shirt or dress out on the streets of the city centre. It would be somebody still pin-balling to or from another party that was actually the tail-end of Friday’s HomoElectric.

There was so much good music. It was an education. Erol Alkan stripping everything down to brass tacks, including us. Ivan Smagghe doing crunchy monochrome death-music in near-darkness. The majestic Mark Moore, who I’m pretty sure shoe-horned ‘Song 2’ into some unbelievable mix or other. Fischerspooner, Gwen Guthrie, Sebastien Tellier, Chaka Khan. The residents themselves were and are solid gold.

The rules of the rest of the city seemed to perceptibly lift when you walked down the steps into Legends for HomoElectric. The placed heaved with the ghosts of parties, from the Twisted Wheel up to the leather bears down-and-dirty get-togethers. You could often kiss your mates goodbye at the door, it was possible you might not see them again that night but there were always new friends to be made. ‘You can learn a lot more than you think about somebody on the dancefloor,’ a clever woman once said.

All good things must come to an end though, and they did. I remember dancing with Matt Rothery at the last closing party. ‘They’ll be talking about this for years to come,’ we said. ‘And we were there...!’ 

HomoElectric will live on, in Manchester some place, and London too, but nowhere in the world will match HomoElectric the way Legends did, the way Morecambe matches Wise, the way Fischer matches Spooner; not for spirit, not for love, not for all those party ghosts... It’s all over now, baby blue. Play a song for me, would you ...?



Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Funny emails 2

Portions of emails, sent and received by me, rescued in edited form before being consigned to 'Trash' forever. Writers: thank you all ...


 I see a future of weeping at train stations for myself, like Celia Johnson with firmer hair.


Two boys? It’s not right. Feels right though.


I put up pictures where I think I might look fit then I go back and look and I actually seem to be a dickhead.


Got changed for bed then couldn’t face lying down so put jeans and coat over sleeping clothes and went for a walk round town with headphones on. Very trippy, people in bizarre outfits dancing in the street to my iPod, a line of teenage girls stepping over a puddle of vomit to get into a bar, all holding their passports out, and everyone but everyone smoking cigarettes...


She calls them arrogant twats, completely justified, then leaves. After which they accuse her of being drunk, self-important, a bitch basically. I have to leave, somehow feeling like it’s my fault. I can’t sleep so I take two kinds of sleeping aid then sleep right through my alarm and get to work at twenty to ten.


Fight for this Love is pants. She looks fit in her costume and that’s it. Singing something about `no picnic` and `walk in the park`? Urgh. She aint no Beyonce.


I nearly ate a whole block of cheese to myself last night. AND…the girl who brought in sweets today just called me greedy. I might be greedy but I still have feelings!


Grindr is proving quite interesting, especially when one is reclining on the couch thinking, ‘Nah, 200 meters is too far away…’


I'll bring a selection of false beards, one of which you can wear to compensate for the fact you are about to pack the wrong top.


Passion. Is. A. Slanket.


Beat me to death with my own colour co-ordinated reversible 100 % woollen house-shoes.


Oh man I’ve just pulled FIVE bar receipts from Via on Sunday night for a round every forty minutes.


guess who is going to have a baby? you are allowed three guesses


We only have one checked in bag between us. We can always add another if you want to but you are a boy and we can probably squeeze you into mine if you're spilling out the sides of your hand luggage. Needless to say, I will require the majority of the space for my sizeable collection of vintage control pants, Louis XVI dressing table and stainless steel trouser press.


Do you have your E111 up to date? For when you get your leg trapped in a storm drain.


Other terms you might use: rasping, sandpaper, experienced girl groan, fingered, expressive, fighty, grunty... bourbonned...


Why are you afraid of whales?? Why why? Did you see the story about the American Seaworld trainer killed by a whale? Is it things like that?


I joined Gay Romeo last night. I cancelled my profile after one hour.


Hi m8 you’re close where you at?
Oxford Rd, you?
Same
I’m working on campus, you same or you a student?
Lol m8 I’m a train driver


A cervical 'sweep' first and then, if he's anything like the rest of us, a gin and tonic should coax him out


Friday, 12 October 2012

‘Manchester: In Residents’ … #20: Sarah

'Manchester has a fascinating history, artistic integrity, an intellectual legacy, great diversity of people, a lovely self-deprecating sense of humour, it’s not pretentious, and we work hard...'




What’s your name?

Sarah Perks


What do you do?

I hold the super title of ‘Programme and Engagement Director, at Cornerhouse which means I’m in charge of all of the artistic programmes. This cuts across our exhibitions, films, engagement projects (young people for example), lots of events, and much more. As well as all the team management and strategy, I curate exhibitions, produce artists’ films and commissions, distribute artists’ film, programme film seasons, talk constantly and run around after artists. There’s a lot to do, I love it and I have a fab team.


Where do you live?

I live on one of the cheaper sides of Chorlton, opposite the cemetery, near the water park where I walk Benji (my dog) twice a day. I resisted Chorlton at first, then I gave in about a year ago. Some of the stereotypes are unfair, I’ve never even been to Unicorn. I’ve lived in Oldham, Urmston, Prestwich, the city centre, Clayton, and more recently on the Rusholme/Moss Side border where I was chair of the residents association.


Tell us the story of how you ended up in Manchester.

I was born here, and without even a gap year, I have always lived in Manchester. My parents were born here. Further back leads to Ireland (of course) and the slums of Greengate, Salford. Lots of people don’t believe me because I have an accent that seems hard to pin down (I don’t know why, I sound Manc-ish to me). I’ve almost left and then didn’t, though nearly all of my family have left (for as far away as New Zealand). Anyway I’m still here with Benji, who’s also a Mancunian, he’s from the dogs’ home.


What’s great about this city?

I can gush forever about Manchester and often do, particularly if someone mentions Liverpool... Manchester has a fascinating history, artistic integrity, an intellectual legacy, great diversity of people, a lovely self-deprecating sense of humour, it’s not pretentious, and we work hard. Wherever you go people know Manchester and are positive about it (I don’t even mind if football comes up on occasion). This city has a different energy and attitude that’s not afraid to do something else, be brave and ambitious, and just get on with it. It’s small enough to be friendly and easy to get around, yet there’s great culture and lots to do. I’m not entirely sure a working class over-achiever like me would have got such amazing opportunities in London.  We need to keep an eye on the young talent though and make sure they keep up the spirit.


What’s not so great?

For a city of over two million people, there are not enough visible hot single straight men and those that disagree should make themselves known. Also, on occasion there’s a little too much sentiment for ‘Madchester’ and certain people from that era. I’m not saying it wasn’t important but it’s only a small part of the story and most kids don’t care about it now. I think The Smiths will endure beyond all that, and Take That probably.


Do you have a favourite Manchester building?

There are so many amazing buildings all over the city – visiting artists often want to research them and are continually impressed by wealth of architecture styles and influences – that’s what makes the city special. Chetham’s Library is a particular gem. I also love the view from Peel Tower (Ramsbottom). Recently, with an artist, we looked into the old Salford Cinema at the top of Chapel Street out of curiosity, and ended up attending an entire evangelist Christian service.




Do you have a favourite Mancunian?

I think Dr CP Lee is a city treasure. Some others are Emmeline Pankhurst, Morrissey, Davy Jones and everyone that makes Coronation Street so great. And Friedrich Engels, though he wasn’t born here. I would like Nick Grimshaw to smash the R1 breakfast show… Mark and Lard didn’t, although their afternoon show in the early noughties was genius, I still often think about Halon Menswear...


What’s your favourite pub/bar/club/restaurant/park/venue?

I’m always in Cornerhouse bar because I love it, not about promoting it at all, it would be weird if I didn’t like it and didn’t talk to people there! I like traditional pubs like Britons and the Peveril Of The Peak, and unless it’s cocktail time, I like more relaxed bars like The Gas Lamp and Common. Myself and Benji frequent many Chorlton bars including The Parlour and The Spoon Inn. A Chinese hotpot with a big group of friends at Red‘n’Hot on Faulkner Street is the best – I’m particularly crazy about the spam and frog legs bubbling in hot chilli.


What do you think is missing from Manchester?

See the first line of ‘What’s not so great’...


If I was Mayor for a day I would …

Give myself a full 4 year term. Seriously, I’d arrange a doggie day across the centre, bring your dog to shops, pubs, restaurants, galleries, museums, promoting both adoption from the dogs home and responsible ownership.


Who else would you like to nominate to answer this questionnaire?

Dr CP Lee and Jason Singh.




Sarah is Programme and Engagement Director at Cornerhouse.




Thursday, 11 October 2012

Funny emails


Portions of emails, sent and received by me, rescued in edited form before being consigned to 'Trash' forever. Writers: thank you all ...


" ... So my SATC party was a blast, I made the perfect Martini and Cosmopolitan and then spilt them all down my white shorts.


In case I die I want these played at my funeral in this order please: This Love, The Luckiest, Nightswimming, then finish with Gold by Spandau Ballet.


Just got a great piece of text advice from Mr Garvey, a master in matters of the heart: 'Kiss his head in!'


I might as well go for it eh? Unless you want him? I'll add him to the drag queen, Jamaican novelist, Welsh rugby player and rough trade.


Had to write Saturday off, no food on Friday, drank till the small hours and was ill all day. Aside from what a dickhead *** was, *** doesn't like the guy *** is seeing, *** stood *** up then *** saw him out drinking (he's drinking himself into oblivion and can't stop, he disappeared without saying and wouldn't answer his phone then was sleepless with guilt all weekend). *** and *** left in such a hurry they left their stuff behind in the bar, nobody knows why. We should all have stayed home ...


I can't believe Mum is on facebook.


I need more than a Compeed, more like a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (because of their demonstrable efficacy in smoking cessation).


I'm a fucking feminist I don't have to sit around waiting for him to call me.



 Will you still come on a fancy opera restaurant night with me? We’ll bring Geordie so he can explain the plot while we eat Minstrels with our Walkmans on.


Tosca was brilliant by the way, except for someone in the Gods who said really loudly "Excuse me!" in the dramatic opening scene.


Helen and I are both in comas. 
As opposed to commas. 
Which would be 'Helen and I'.


He says he can't stop thinking about me. He's got NO written in permanent marker on his hand to stop him texting me.


Did I tell you my DJ name is 'G of the Bang'?


You can't see my face but you can see my semi through my shorts.


It seems I have a knack … whenever I write about somebody, they appear. I wrote about this DJ who basically saved my life (sing it!) and the day after I finished the chapter he was sitting on the next table to me in Tampopo.


We went to Sandbar, hangout of postgrads and bicycle couriers. You should see the thighs on those postgrads.


We've got the spare bed made up....not bothered who ends up in it. Anyway i handed my notice in today! yay!


Do you think seven DJ sets is enough of a CV to start my own night? Do you think my DJ name should be Plums Geldof?


Whoopi does know that Ghost wasn't a documentary doesn't she?

I am designing a book about religious dress in Italy from the 13th to the 16th centuries. Opening line: 'What do we wear after we die...?' OMG NEW GAY ANXIETY!


I bought him a book about the feud between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford and used a picture of Dusty Springfield to wrap it in.


I have a terrible enormous zit with its own postcode right on my lip and he hasn't called me all day so is OBVIOUSLY sleeping with hookers in Kings Cross.


The Manbaby pops those giant chocolate babies like Quaaludes.


Don’t you just wanna turn him inside out and WEAR him?


By the looks of it he was addicted to hair straighteners


Let's have a nice and friendly break up when it comes can we? Please?


Not sure if that makes me Joan Crawford or not. I'm much more Michael Crawford.


According to Urban Dictionary 'bogata' can also mean:
(n.) A muncher of ass or someone who searches through garbage looking for used tampons. Usually derogatory.
'Usually derogatory' made me simply roar laughing.


I ate dinner over my proofs and now there is pasta sauce all over an explication of 19th Century renditions of Henry V. Well, it needed spicing up.


On Saturday my mate found a girl collapsed in the street and put her in the recovery position and called an ambulance. In the intervening two days the story has been embellished thusly: he dragged the girl from a burning Ferrari, restarted her heart with a car battery and her own earrings, performed an emergency tracheotomy with a biro, then delivered her twins by streetlight and now he's going to be on the Golden Heart awards with Joanna Lumley ..."