Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Funny emails 2

Portions of emails, sent and received by me, rescued in edited form before being consigned to 'Trash' forever. Writers: thank you all ...

 I see a future of weeping at train stations for myself, like Celia Johnson with firmer hair.

Two boys? It’s not right. Feels right though.

I put up pictures where I think I might look fit then I go back and look and I actually seem to be a dickhead.

Got changed for bed then couldn’t face lying down so put jeans and coat over sleeping clothes and went for a walk round town with headphones on. Very trippy, people in bizarre outfits dancing in the street to my iPod, a line of teenage girls stepping over a puddle of vomit to get into a bar, all holding their passports out, and everyone but everyone smoking cigarettes...

She calls them arrogant twats, completely justified, then leaves. After which they accuse her of being drunk, self-important, a bitch basically. I have to leave, somehow feeling like it’s my fault. I can’t sleep so I take two kinds of sleeping aid then sleep right through my alarm and get to work at twenty to ten.

Fight for this Love is pants. She looks fit in her costume and that’s it. Singing something about `no picnic` and `walk in the park`? Urgh. She aint no Beyonce.

I nearly ate a whole block of cheese to myself last night. AND…the girl who brought in sweets today just called me greedy. I might be greedy but I still have feelings!

Grindr is proving quite interesting, especially when one is reclining on the couch thinking, ‘Nah, 200 meters is too far away…’

I'll bring a selection of false beards, one of which you can wear to compensate for the fact you are about to pack the wrong top.

Passion. Is. A. Slanket.

Beat me to death with my own colour co-ordinated reversible 100 % woollen house-shoes.

Oh man I’ve just pulled FIVE bar receipts from Via on Sunday night for a round every forty minutes.

guess who is going to have a baby? you are allowed three guesses

We only have one checked in bag between us. We can always add another if you want to but you are a boy and we can probably squeeze you into mine if you're spilling out the sides of your hand luggage. Needless to say, I will require the majority of the space for my sizeable collection of vintage control pants, Louis XVI dressing table and stainless steel trouser press.

Do you have your E111 up to date? For when you get your leg trapped in a storm drain.

Other terms you might use: rasping, sandpaper, experienced girl groan, fingered, expressive, fighty, grunty... bourbonned...

Why are you afraid of whales?? Why why? Did you see the story about the American Seaworld trainer killed by a whale? Is it things like that?

I joined Gay Romeo last night. I cancelled my profile after one hour.

Hi m8 you’re close where you at?
Oxford Rd, you?
I’m working on campus, you same or you a student?
Lol m8 I’m a train driver

A cervical 'sweep' first and then, if he's anything like the rest of us, a gin and tonic should coax him out

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